don't let the darkness eat you up

One initially exciting post in April and then... nothing. The world sped up and it was all I could do to finish the next draft of "The Paladin", frustrate myself on dates with incompatible women, figure out how to build and run a successful pay-per-click management company, pay bills and train for my first triathlon.

Plenty of time.

I believe there is. Not idealistically, but instinctively. In my gut. Time is the one thing we all have the same amount of, right? My goal this year is to look at my hours as pastry shell hors' douvres and squeezing my pastry bag, fill them with not just productive but beautifully challenging, fun, gratitude enriched goo. I'm simply going to do what I've never done before. Finish 3 screenplays. Truly learn the piano so that I can play with my Father. Erase any and all remaining debt and file late taxes. Finish my first triathlon which meant learning how to swim, completely transforming my body. Get back on a stage and light the dimming spark of a fire that defines who I am. I am also going to meet more like minded, adventurous women who I could spend a life with.

No problem.

It's September and I still believe I can accomplish all of this however, this morning, all that filled my head ( aside from a virus I picked up over the weekend ) were dark thoughts of past failures, future problems and an ache in my stomach ( the virus?). Minutes on the constantly ticking clock of life slipping through my fingers as I reach to grab 'em back and make something out of them. I'm so completely overwhelmed by the lack of progress in some areas and the mediocre results after hard work, in others. My job is full of potential but plagued with mis management and fear and thick headedness. My projects all in various states of completion and all demand a certain amount of time to complete. I'm growing as a writer but need to write more everyday. My body, which slips back and forth from my perceived progress, is certainly stronger and growing. All facets, body-mind-soul are feeding off the nourishment of training and completing two triathlons and the lessons are mind blowing. I know things are different. I just feel empty and dark and alone in this town today, at war with co-workers, women, family and friends simply by virtue of their distance which I've created.

and then Harry called.

It was time to write. He, from a Starbucks in Manhattan and me in my office, via telephone. We worked for 60 minutes. Ideas came and minor elements were "wrighted". At this stage of our script, we're like plumbers, looking for "idea clogs" that once free, will allow our characters and story to flow. We poured a little verbal "Drano" and dissolved a clog or two.

This moment is okay.

When I'm anxious, thinking in the past or the future, I try to stop and acknowledge the present: The desk is metal with fake wood linoleum that's 70's, the sky is a foggy, cloudy blue through the white blinds. My glasses that I bought in Union Square are upside down reflecting an unflattering but slightly comforting albeit translucent image of me typing this. I'm present again. Jose Gonzales is singing " I see problems down the line...I know that I'm right...don't let the darkness eat you up...don't let the darkness eat you up".

Don't let the darkness eat you up.